If you aren't sure whether you are a Dominant, or think that you are but are hesitant to declare yourself one because of lack of experience, the following may help you.
Lack of experience should never stop you from contacting an experienced submissive. In fact, some of my most pleasurable relationships have been with inexperienced Dominants because they bring a fresh perspective and it's fun to share the "first time" enjoyment of the play. I have successfully mentored five Dominants and have worked with many others on a more limited basis in the last five years. My mentoring style is not "teaching" so much as a process of discovering what the Dominant's preferences are and helping Him to become proficient with whatever toys or procedures are necessary for the safe enactment of those preferences. For example, in my last D/s relationship, a new Dominant had an interest for a type of play that had previously been on my "hard limit" list, but his craving to learn about it led me to learn about it too. I have never regretted the experience and found the play that followed to be extremely enjoyable, if extreme.
First the basics.
BDSM stands for Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, Sadism/Masochism
There is a glossary at the bottom of this page that will go into more detail about what each of these terms mean.
This section concentrates on the term Dominant (and my view of what makes a good one).
1. Do you like to be in control in your everyday life? It is unimportant whether you are actually in a position to BE in control. The real test is would you like to be?
2. Do you consider yourself to be fair? When in the Dominant position in a D/s relationship, it is important that you be able to set aside your own ego long enough to really listen to your partner when she voices her opinion - especially if it is in disagreement with your own. Since the Dominant makes the final decision, your relationship will not last unless that decision can be a fair one.
3. Do you consider yourself to be honest? A submissive can truly please you only if you are able to be honest about what it is that WILL please you. She is not a mind-reader. If you hide the most important things about yourself, you doom the relationship to failure before it begins.
4. Do your erotic fantasies often center around physically controlling your partner? Although some Dominants do not have these fantasies, I have been most successful with partners who do. Don't be concerned if your fantasies seem extreme. Most can be fulfilled, at least to some degree, with proper planning.
5. Does the idea of being the submissive in a D/s relationship make you uncomfortable?
Before you answer, let me make some label distinctions. These represent my understanding of the terms and certainly are not the only definitions considered acceptable.
Dominant - the person "in control" of the scene. After negotiating what is permissible and what is not, He decides what to incorporate into the play.
Submissive - the person who has relinquished control of the scene, within the limits that have been negotiated.
Top - the person giving sensation, swinging the toy or creating the action. A submissive can "top" her Dominant if she is following His orders while doing so.
Bottom - the person receiving sensation and result of the actions. A Dominant can "bottom" to his submissive if He controls what she is doing to Him, by prior determination or by command.
Although the verb "to switch" can apply to Dominants who bottom or submissives who top, most who indulge in these activities but keep their Dominant or submissive personas intact while doing so do not consider themselves Switches.
A person who can truly be either Dominant or submissive is generally called a Switch.
Glossary of terms:
SAFE, SANE and CONSENSUAL
Safe:
Safe is being knowledgeable about the techniques and safety concerns involved in what you are doing. This refers primarily to physical safety, which is a cherished priority of "serious players" (i.e., those who are sincerely committed to D&S sexuality), who recognize the potential risk of inflicting extreme stimulus upon even a willing partner. The limits of genuinely safe play are constantly debated in the D&S community. Nonetheless, certain tenets are universal.
1. Safe sex: AIDS awareness and adherence to safer sex guidelines.
2. Protection of Vital Organs: no irreversible damage of any kind, nor any kind or degree of pain that the submissive did not request or knowledgeably consent to.
Sane:
Sane is knowing the difference between fantasy and reality, and acting in accordance with that knowledge. Any given D&S activity done for the pleasure of everyone involved. Erotic play should not cause emotional anguish; it should not abuse the submissive's vulnerability or subject a submissive to unreasonable risk. And a submissive should not have to worry that the dominant will exceed his or her personal limits.
Consensual:
Consensual is respecting the limits imposed by each participant at all times. One of the recognized ways to maintain limits is through a "safeword" which ensures that each participant can end his/her participation with a word or gesture. Clear, informed and verbalized consent is the moral dividing line between brutality and D&S. Partners must voluntarily and knowingly give full consent to D&S activity before it begins. D&Sers typically avoid any relations with minors, for example, because it is generally accepted that minors cannot give informed consent.
(The preceding was a combination of the definitions created by the participants at the 1989 Leather Leadership Conference in NYC and text taken from Different Loving, the World of Sexual Dominance & Submission by Gloria G. Brame, William D. Brame and Jon Jacobs)
It should be noted that these definitions were created more for the "vanilla" world than for use by the players themselves and are considered by persons within the Scene to be "ideals" rather than reality.
BDSM
BDSM is Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, Sadism/Masochism. A term used for those who play with psychological control and/or physical pain & restraint.
Bondage:
Restriction of a person's bodily movement for erotic reasons using fastenings of various kinds. Includes physical and mental bondage.
Discipline:
The imposition of rules and behavior on the bottom in domination scenes and the "punishments" used to enforce them.
Dominance:
The practice of running the scene, controlling the bottom's behavior, perhaps simply as a role play or humiliation or perhaps reinforced by the threat or the actual use of intense or painful physical activities directed at the bottom, and/or restriction, bondage and physical control.
Submission:
The act of or interest in submitting to someone else's will, within limits, for sexual and/or erotic purposes.
Sadism:
The act of being sexually aroused by the infliction of cruelty and pain on others or on themselves.
Masochism:
The act of deriving sexual pleasure from experiences normally thought of as painful, and enjoying such experiences.
For more definitions, check out the Deviants' Dictionary