Are You a Good Dominant?

The following questions are taken from "The Loving Dominant" by John Warren, PhD

Do you get as much pleasure or more from erotically exciting your partner as from your own enjoyment of the sexual act?

If this is true, you are likely to be a good Dominant.  The essence of domination is to take another's power and then use it for mutual pleasure. If you already seek to maximize your partner's gratification, you have a mind-set that will adapt well to D/s.

Do you want an easy relationship with you as the unquestioned boss?

Then, D/s is unlikely to be for you.   A D/s relationship is more - not less- complex than one that is purely vanilla.   This is because D/s relationships generally have all the components of a vanilla relationship plus those that are unique to D/s.

It is common to hear Dominants talk about how hard they have to work.   This is because in exchange for the power that is given us, we must find ways of using that power for the benefit and pleasure of both participants.   At the same time, because of the trust given us, we must be very sure that nothing we do is harmful to anyone in the relationship.   This kind of careful balancing act certainly isn't attractive to someone who is looking for an easy ride.

Have you been in an abusive relationship and would like to "turn the tables" on someone like the person who abused you?

This is another rough start.   A significant number of people in D/s have been in abusive relationships, and some of them consciously use D/s psychodramas to help them work through the negative feelings that resulted from these experiences.   However, revenge is a poor motivation for such an intimate relationship and is likely to result in further damage to your self esteem.

Why do you want to control another person?
This is a sticky one.   One of film star Vanssa del Rio's earliest fantasies was of having a group of tiny people in the palm of her hand.   She loved to imagine that she had complete control of them; but, to me, the key was that she imagined that she would use this power to make them happy.

The desire to help, to enhance, or to make happy is common among Dominants.   This may be why so many of them are in the teaching and helping professions: medicine, social work, religion.   Other-centered people make good Dominants.   Self-centered people often find that the strain of the responsibilities inherent in a D/s relationship is overwhelming.

In a consensual relationship, control applied purely to self-gratification is a self-limiting proposition.   Submissives who do not get what they are looking for are unlikely to remain in a relationship for very long.

Do you have fantasies involving nonconsensual activities or harm to another?

This isn't as serious as you may believe.   The trick is being able to keep the fantasies inside your head and separate from the scene you are playing with another person.   Most of us have large, hairy monsters in the dark corners of our minds.   What separates the civilized from the uncivilized is how tight a leash we keep on them.

Having the fantasies is all right;  acting on them isn't.   Aside from being totally against the ethical principles of the scene, such "play" can get you locked up with other people who believe in nonconsensual play - and may be bigger than you are.

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