Training a submissive
This page simply must begin with my definition of the term "submissive". In my opinion, a submissive submits to the will of the Dominant in a scene, within the pre-negotiated limits they agree upon. She does not direct the scene in any way and it is his choice which of those negotiated items he will incorporate into any particular scene. By contrast, a "bottom" often negotiates precisely what will happen in a particular scene, down to how many strokes with a particular toy. She does not submit her will to that of the Dominant or Top, and there is no exchange of power... simply a planned scene. The verb form, to "bottom" can apply to either a bottom or a submissive, describing the activity of being the recipient of the Dominant's actions. I won’t go into the differences between "submissive" and "slave" because they are not important for purposes of training. A Dominant who tries to train a "bottom", however, will find it an impossible task in most cases. There is nothing wrong with being a bottom rather than a submissive... but it is important for the Dominant to understand the difference!
On Communication:
Learning honest communication is the most important part of any submissive’s training. It is natural to hide certain things about ourselves and a good Dominant will inspire enough trust in his submissive to gain access to these "secret areas". Part of the gift of submission is the opening of one’s soul to the Dominant... giving the complete self to Him and trusting that He will care for it as his most treasured possession.
Here’s a passage that I like:
He took her to dinner and ordered for her.
"What if I had dietary restrictions? What if I was a vegetarian?"
"Then you would have said, ‘I’m sorry, Sir, but I’m allergic to radishes,’ or ‘My religion forbids me to eat shellfish,’" he responded.
"Why would I be sorry?" she asked.
"Because you neglected to tell me that important part of your life, taking away from me the opportunity to do the right thing by you. A Dominant can’t be depended on to make the right decisions without all the information on hand. That’s why the submissivemissive has to be honest and tell the Dominant everything."
from TheTrainer by Laura Antoniou writing as Sara Adamson.
A good Dominant will not assume that He knows what the submissive wants or needs. It takes time to discover these things and He should take the time to help the submissive probe her own fantasies and inner thoughts. The next step is helping her to learn His wants and needs. Only after both these things occur can a fulfilling D/s relationship exist.
The Language
Most Dominants will specify the way in which their submissives will address them, such as "Sir", "M’Lord" or "Master". Honorifics can be as complex as the Dominant wishes, and many times are structured in complex ways to test the submissive and keep her on her toes. They may or may not include a name or a scene name. Some Dominants prefer that the submissive no first person singular pronouns ("I" or "me") or any first person singular possessive forms ("my" or "mine"). It is believed that this manner of speaking and writing keeps the submissive constantly aware of her place and encourages the mindset that the Dominant desires. Another common practice is for the submissive to never answer in a negative form. An affirmative answer might be "If it pleases you Sir" while a negative answer might be "Only if it pleases you Sir." This form of reply makes the submissives preferences clear to the Dominant, while leaving the decision completely in his hands. A Dominant’s statement might be responded to with a neutral "As You say Sir". On a less serious note, a rather bratty submissive of my acquaintance came up with the version, "If it pleases You to think so Sir" but most submissives will find that the phrase would not be appreciated by most serious Dominants.
The term "voice trained" is often used to describe a submissive who has been trained to speak only when spoken to and to not betray her preferences in her answers, except perhaps in the way just described.
Positions
Each Dominant will train his submissive in the positions he prefers, and these preferences are as varied as the imagination of the Dominant. But, some standards exist.
Among these:
- Stand: The submissive stands with her feet shoulder width apart, her back straight, head forward and eyes lowered. The position of the hands may be at the side, clasped behind the neck, or behind the back.
- Kneel up: The submissive kneels, knees shoulder width apart, her back straight, head forward and eyes lowered. Her hands, again, may be at her sides, clasped behind the neck, or behind the back.
- Kneel down: The submissive kneels, knees shoulder width apart with her toes touching, and bends forward, putting her forehead on the ground, cushioned by her hands. This position gives excellent access to the submissive.
- Present: The submissive makes her body available to the Dominant in a pre-arranged way. It is common for a submissive to present herself sexually with this command. Alternately, it might also include presenting the posterior or back for punishment. The Dominant generally points to a piece of furniture (meaning present bending over it) or to the floor (meaning present in a kneel down position). A submissive lying on her back and hearing the order to present with no accompanying signal would most likely be expected to raise her hips, making her more available sexually to her Dominant’s whim.
- Rest: The submissive assumes whatever resting posture the Dominant prefers. This is commonly a sitting or kneeling position that the submissive is able to maintain for long periods of time.
In addition, Dominants often create hand signals to tell their submissives what they desire. A common signal is to snap the fingers and point at the floor, usually meaning "kneel here" but many variations are possible.
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